There Goes the Delta Quadrant OLD
by skitzo krebstar
Summary: What if the characters of Friends were running Voyager? Chapter Three up now
1. Parte Uno (For lack of something more or...

Title: Friends of Voyager, The Sequel! - There Goes the Delta Quadrant!  
Author: sKiTzO sHy VioLeT  
Summary: What if the characters of Friends were the crew of Voyager? Then what would happen if they ran into the real crew? Script format.  
Note: Thanks to all the great feedback from the last one, here comes the real storylined one :) Oh and you might want to read the first one. Thanks to Pari for inspiring the title of this one :)  
  


~*~  


  
[Scene 1. Location, Captain's Ready Room. Rachel is alone, trying to write in her log]  
  
Rachel: Captain's log Stardate... Eh you know the drill... We're still in space.... Still in the Delta Quadrant.... Nothing exciting... Oooh but Pheobe *did* replicate a really cute new outfit....   
  
Ross: [walks in] Here's the ship's status report, Captain.  
  
Rachel: [Reading from the padd] All systems running at peak efficiency... blah blah blah... No irregularities detected... blah blah blah... Routine maintenance underway.... [Speaking to Ross now] Damnit how many times do I have to tell you, just say "Everything's okey dokey"??  
  
Ross: Well.... This is much more professional...   
  
Rachel: Professional Shmofessional. No one cares! We're in the Delta Quadrant! Anything goes!   
  
Ross: Even the First Officer kissing the Captain?  
  
Rachel: You had your chance and you blew it.  
  
Ross: Damnit....  
  
Chandler: [over the comm] Captain, you're needed on the bridge.  
  
[Ross and Rachel walk on the bridge]   
  
Rachel: What is it?  
  
Chandler: Well I'm... Not sure... But it *could* be that ship that looks *exactly* like ours on the view screen.  
  
Joey: My thingy's beeping!   
  
Chandler: Really? Mine doesn't do that....  
  
Rachel: Let me see... Oh Joey, that means they're hailing us! On screen.   
  
[The face of Kathryn Janeway appears on the screen]  
  
Janeway: I am Captain Kathryn Janeway of the Federation Starship Voyager. Who are you?  
  
Rachel: Umm... [cough] Kathryn... [cough] I am Captain Rachel Greenway of the Federation Starship Voyager.   
  
Janeway: But... That's not possible!  
  
Rachel: Well apparently, [cough] Kathryn [cough] it is.   
  
Janeway: Why do you keep coughing when you say my name?  
  
Rachel: I have no idea what you're talking about, [cough] Kathryn. [cough]  
  
Janeway: [exasperated] Well, our ship is greatly damaged. Can you help us? One Voyager Captain to another?  
  
Rachel: Sure. What happened?  
  
Janeway: The borg tried messing with Species 8472 again and opened some rift and here we are! Took a little damage when we went through that rift... I appreciate the help. Janeway out. [Transmission ends]  
  
Rachel: Yeah, he was coming onto me. What kind of a name is Kathryn for a guy anyway?  
  
Joey: But I thought it was a chick!  
  
Pheobe: Oh *no*. That was a man. Definite man. Didn't you see his chin?   
  
Joey: Well... I don't know... I thought she was kinda cute...  
  
Chandler: [sarcastically] Yeah, in a *RuPaul* kind of way!  
  
Joey: Oh you thought so too!   
  
Chandler: [gives up]  
  


~*~  


  
[Scene two: Sickbay on the real Voyager. Chandler, Torres, and Carol are checking out the Doctor]  
  
Chandler: You know, other than comic relief, I have *no* idea why I'm in this scene....  
  
Doctor: [Comes online] Please state the nature of the Medical Emergency.   
  
Chandler: Yeah, I like *our* Doctor's activation message better....  
  
Carol: You would.  
  
Chandler: Shut up, Whorres.  
  
Torres: What'd you call her?  
  
Chandler: Whorres... It *is* customary to call a person who you work with by their last name if you don't really know them......  
  
Torres: Your last name is Whorres? And you're Chief Engineer?  
  
Chandler: Yes, we're hoping that's what she does down there all day... Otherwise we're in trouble....  
  
Torres: What is your problem? Do you joke about *everything*??  
  
Chandler: No... But I do try.   
  
Carol: Okay, now about this Doctor... Have you been experiencing any memory lapses at all?  
  
Doctor: Not that I know of. Are these questions necessary? I would really like to talk to your ship's Doctor. Speak with someone of my own kind, so to speak.   
  
Carol: [mumbling kind of, looking at her tricorder] That won't be possible.....  
  
Doctor: [surprised] Why not?   
  
Carol: We deleted her speech subroutines.  
  
Doctor: You *what*?!   
  
Chandler: Oh if you knew her, you would too.   
  
Doctor: [beyond anger] I don't think I would! Let me meet her!  
  
Chandler: All right... But remember... We *tried* to talk you out of it!  
  
[Back on the Friends Voyager]   
  
Chandler: All she can say is her activation message, but that *should* be enough to scare you off....  
  
Janice: [Coming online] Welcome to sickbay, how may I do you? [laughs and everyone shudders]  
  
Chandler: Somehow she *always* manages to get that laugh in....  
  
Doctor: Computer, reinitialize the EMH's speech subroutines.  
  
Computer: Unable to comply.  
  
Doctor: What?! Why not?!  
  
Computer: Cause the bitch is annoying!  
  


~*~  


  
[Scene Three, the bridge. Joey and Pheobe are the only ones there.]  
  
Joey: Pheobe, where is everybody?  
  
Pheobe: [Looks up from her guitar] What? Oh, sKiTzO deleted them from the scene.   
  
Joey: Why?  
  
Pheobe: [appears to be thinking really hard to remember something] [as if reciting from memory] In this scene we're supposed to do something really stupid that causes complications later on during the script.   
  
Joey: What? Us? Hey! Hey! It's beeping again!  
  
Pheobe: Ooh! Ooh! On screen! I always wanted to say that...  
  
[The face of a hideous alien fills the view screen]  
  
Pheobe: Ooh! Ooh! Off screen!  
  
Joey: [Deactivates the link] Pheobe! You can't do that! I'm putting them back on screen!  
  
[The alien's face fills the screen again]  
  
Alien: My name is Adbulaoblongada.   
  
Pheobe: That's nice... Oh you want my name? Oh I'm Pheobe Paris. I'd say my real last name, but sKiTzO isn't sure how to spell it.  
  
sKiTzO: [steps onto the bridge and shrugs] I don't do names. [exits]  
  
Adbulaoblongada: [who after this will be referred to as Abdula] Please, we're afraid your ship may hurt us. We need to scan it, but our technology is old. Will you kindly lower your shields so that we may scan you.  
  
Pheobe: Well, Rachel is always saying we should help put other races at ease... So, sure. Lower the shields, Ensign!  
  
Joey: [A few seconds later] Umm... Pheobes? They took our shuttles.  
  
Pheobe: [In the very unique Pheobe way] Oh no....  
  


~*~  
  


[Scene Four. Location the Mess Hall. Monica and Neelix are cooking. Janeway is guzzling down coffee like there's no tomorrow and Chakotay is speaking with Ross about some boring anthropological stuff. Rachel is reading a padd]  
  
Rachel: [snorts]  
  
Ross: [stops talking and looks at her] What's so funny?  
  
Rachel: [tries to hide the padd] Nothing...  
  
Ross: Don't give me that! [grabs the padd and Rachel fights to get it back. She finally gives up and Ross's eyes go wide] This looks like someone's personal log!  
  
Rachel: Yeah, did you know Ensign Weasley thinks her new blouse *actually* matches her new boots?  
  
Ross: Rachel... You don't read people's personal logs. Not without a really good reason!  
  
Janeway: Such as suspicion of foul behavior, or if you need to solve a mystery.   
  
Rachel: I do have a really good reason... I do...  
  
Chakotay: Well... What is it?  
  
Rachel: I was... uh... I was trying to figure out... what.. would *possess* a person to... think that.... Those things matched!  
  
Ross: That's not a really good reason!  
  
Rachel: Oh come on! You've got to give that back! Ensign Lupin is talking about how much she likes Ensign Potter, but I think he's in love with Ensign Chang!  
  
Janeway: That's a lot of Ensigns...  
  
Rachel: Yeah, nearly every extra is either Ensign or Crewman something...  
  
Janeway: That's still not a good reason to read them!  
  
Rachel: Well I miss my TV!  
  
Ross: That's not possible! This is the twenty-fourth century! Nobody has a TV!  
  
Rachel: Tom Paris does.   
  
Ross: Tom Paris is a-  
  
Paris: [appears behind Ross] A what?  
  
Ross: Great guy! Really smart to have a TV too!  
  
Paris: Right... Listen, Captain. We need a part and we don't have it. But we passed a debris field awhile back, and we think it may have it.  
  
Janeway: What part?  
  
Paris: I don't know, something. Pick a part.  
  
Janeway: Warp coil?  
  
Paris: If you can find it in a debris field, okay. All I know is that we need to get to the debris field and sKiTzO isn't doing a very good job at getting us there.   
  
sKiTzO: [looks up from a nearby table] Hey! You're getting there aren't you!   
  
Rachel: Aww man... That means I have to go to the bridge now. I don't want to...  
  
[Monica and Neelix walk over]   
  
Neelix: Monix and I have devised a new recipe! Here! Try it!  
  
Rachel: Oh my, look at the time, gotta go to the bridge. [Chakotay, Janeway, Rachel, and Ross exit]  
  
Monica: You could at least clean up the table!  
  


~*~  
  


[Scene Five. The bridge. Rachel, Ross, Janeway, Chakotay, Chandler, Joey, and Pheobe are all there. On the view screen is a picture of the debris field.]  
  
Rachel: Okay... Ross, assemble a team. Take the Flyer out.   
  
Pheobe: [coughs]  
  
Rachel: [looks at her then continues] See if you can get a part we can use.   
  
Pheobe: [coughs again]  
  
Joey: [through clenched teeth] Ex-nay on the acaroni-may.  
  
Rachel: Macaroni?  
  
Joey: [surprised] You understood that??  
  
Rachel: Uhh.. yeah! Pig Latin is only the easiest language to learn.  
  
Ross: Yeah.. So uhh.. What about this macaroni?  
  
Joey: Umm.. What macaroni? I have no idea what you're talking about!  
  
Everybody: JOEY!!!  
  
Joey: All right, all right! Pheobe and I kind of let some aliens take our shuttles...  
  
Rachel: WHAT?! Joey! Pheobe! How could you?!  
  
Joey: It was an accident!!  
  
Chandler: Umm.. Captain? There appears to be a creature living within the debris field....  
  
Chakotay: *Within* the debris field? But how can that be?   
  
Chandler: I don't know. We'll let the writers of Life Signs: The Biology of Star Trek ponder that one. All I know is that it's happening.   
  
Q: [appears on the bridge with his son] Madam Captain! [Janeway and Rachel stand up and Q does a double take] Whoa! Both of you! I'm caught!  
  
Rachel: You can't be caught if nothing was going on...  
  
Q: Oh, but there *could* be!   
  
Janeway: No there couldn't...  
  
Rachel: Wait, you're gay?  
  
Janeway: What?!  
  
Ross: Q! What are you doing here?  
  
Q: Well I bought my son a Charpin-  
  
Ross: A wha?  
  
Q: It's a Q type animal... You wouldn't know... Anyway, I bought it for him and it ran off. It's in this debris field somewhere... You'll have to be careful, though. When it thinks you're going to hurt it it defends itself.  
  
Chandler: Wow.. What a novel idea.  
  
Q: Why do I get the feeling that line was a set up for that joke?  
  
Chandler: Because it was?  
  
Q: [glares at him] Anyway... It doesn't seem to want to come to us, so do you think you could help?  
  
Janeway: Gee, something the all mighty Q can't do.   
  
Q: Oh no, I can, but the author won't help me. [glares at sKiTzO]  
  
sKiTzO: [sticks her tongue out at him]  
  
Nonamecrewmember: Gosh, this sKiTzO chick is screwing everything up. [Nonamecrewmember *mysteriously* disappears]  
  
sKiTzO: [whistles innocently and walks off the bridge]  
  
Ross: Dear God! She's all powerful!  
  
Chandler: Not really... She's only all powerful until the end of this fanfic.  
  
Ross: Oh, okay. I hope I live till then cause she's really-  
  
sKiTzO: [from seemingly nowhere] Hey I know what you're saying!!  
  
Ross: A great person!  
  
Rachel: Okay... Let's just get back to this fanfic. This little author self insertion is getting stupid.  
  
sKiTzO: I agree!  
  
Rachel: So anywhoo... What do you need us to do?  
  
Q: Use your little tractor beam-y light-y thing-y....  
  
Chandler: Oh that's too easy to make fun of....  
  
Q: I'm really starting to not like him...  
  


~*~  
  
To be continued...


	2. Parte Dos

Title: Friends of Voyager, The Sequel! - There Goes the Delta Quadrant!  
Author: sKiTzO sHy VioLeT  
Summary: What if the characters of Friends were the crew of Voyager? Then what would happen if they ran into the real crew? Script format.  
Note: This was written a while back actually... Before the end of Voyager and the wedding of Monica and Chandler. It's just been sitting on my hard drive.... I made a few changes and now here's the next part. Sorry it's so short. The next part will be longer.  
  
~*~  
  
Chandler: Oh no. What *will* I do?  
  
Q: [glares] Look, the charpin is getting hungry. We need to feed it.   
  
Janeway: Then we should have Neelix fix it some food.   
  
Rachel: No no. No. [laughs nervously] That's okay. No, we insist that uh... Monica cooks it, because well.... We *insist*.   
  
Janeway: [a little confused] All right, then. Make it so.  
  
Chandler: [cough] Wrong series. [cough]  
  
Janeway: [Throws her hands up in the air] Whatever! Just feed the damn thing!  
  
Six. The Messhall. Monica is desperately trying to create a dish the creature will like as Q, Seven, Neelix, Janeway, Rachel, Ross, Pheobe, Joey, and Chakotay watch.]  
  
Seven: You are using too much oregano.  
  
Monica: Okay, *you* don't cook anymore! You refused that operation, so stand back you human barbie doll! All right?!   
  
Seven: [actually looks afraid] I'm sorry, okay!? [bursts into tears and runs off]  
  
Janeway: Wow! You made *Seven* cry!  
  
Chandler: [mumbles] Monix can make anybody cry....  
  
Monica: I *heard* that!  
  
Neelix: Perhaps you should use some more of my leola roots.  
  
Monica: *One* more suggestion and I'll be using your *hair* roots.  
  
Neelix: [gulps]  
  
Monica: Any more suggestions?!  
  
Everybody: No!   
  
Monica: HaHA! I think I've got it! [She shows everybody her very gross looking purple concoction] The little bastard had better like this one or else I'm not making another. 


	3. Parte Tres

Title: Friends of Voyager, The Sequel! - There Goes the Delta Quadrant!  
Author: sKiTzO sHy VioLeT  
Summary: What if the characters of Friends were the crew of Voyager? Then what would happen if they ran into the real crew? Script format.  
Author's Note : Something screwed up somewhere and I lost some of this story.... I dunno how or why... But if I repeat some stuff just umm.... nod and smile.  
  
~*~  
  
Q : [takes the food and disappears. He reappears seconds later covered in the food]  
  
Chandler : Either the thing didn't like it or you had trouble putting on your purple lipstick.  
  
Q : I swear if he wasn't sKiTzO's favorite... One snap, just one...  
  
Ross : Come on guys, focus! We have to feed this stupid thing!  
  
Jr : Hey! It's not stupid! It's mad wicked cool!  
  
Q : Don't talk. Just.... Don't...  
  
Monica : Okay.... He didn't eat the food... Any of it... He *obviously* doesn't like gourmet cooking! I've been the head chef of my own restaurant you know!  
  
Chandler : Yes, yes, we know! Do you *have* to keep bitching about this? I mean it's getting kinda -   
  
Monica : Kinda what?   
  
Chandler : Cute! I love you! Bitch more, please?... Did I mention I love you?  
  
Paris : *Somebody's* castrated....  
  
Chandler : What?  
  
Paris : Hmm? What? Nothing....  
  
Torres : AHEM.....  
  
Paris : I love you! Bitch more, please? Did I mention I love you?  
  
sKiTzO : Bahahaha... Oh! [leaves]  
  
Pheobe : Hey you know we feed it a shuttle!  
  
Joey : Yeah!  
  
Monica : Uhh hello? Need I remind you that shuttles aren't edible?!  
  
Pheobe : Well, yeah, but -   
  
Monica : They aren't edible! Period!  
  
Pheobe : Fine! You're out of the will!  
  
Joey : Oooh....  
  
Monica : Whatever... Look, I'm open to suggestions.  
  
Neelix : Yeah, *now* you want my help!  
  
Monica : Not from you, though.  
  
Neelix : [runs off crying]  
  
Chandler : [Pulls out a padd] So now that's two....  
  
Pheobe : [to Joey] Hey, you know what's funny? In parte dos sKiTzO calls Monix Monica like twice.  
  
sKiTzO : [coughs]  
  
Pheobe : I won't point out anymore mistakes, I *swear*! Well... Except maybe how Jr appeared out of nowhere....  
  
sKiTzO : [coughs]  
  
Pheobe : Yeah, I'll shut up now.  
  
Rachel : Hey, I know... Here's a great idea... Why don't we just feed it some Leola Root and kill the damn thing?!  
  
Janeway : [gasps] You can't kill it! It's a living, breathing -   
  
Rachel : Yeah, yeah, whatever, it's pissing me off.  
  
Pheobe : Will you excuse me and Joey for a minute? We have to ummmm... Wash our faces.  
  
Joey : But Pheobes, my face is cle - [Pheobe elbows him in the stomach] Oof!  
  
Chandler : Oof... Such a funny word...   
  
Rachel : Uhhh... Okay....   
  
Chandler : You know in Spanish they spell it "uf".   
  
To be continued.... 


End file.
